I finally did it. I finally figured out why I'm here. Here on earth, here on the internet, whatever. I contemplated making a cute highlight reel to show off my travels, work, and all those Instagrammable things from the year; however, one month casts a large enough shadow to cloud the other 11 months. I couldn't bring myself to show off without addressing the sorrow.
My little sister, Brooke, died on August 30th.
2017 will always be the year we lost her. Everything is hard, nothing is fun. I am relearning what is important, prioritizing mental health, loving through the heartache, and shifting focus in my work. I am desperate for meaning in the mundane and seeking care in my community. I believed I could handle anything that came my way. I thought I had been knocked off my path before.
Who can replace your first friend? As a child I taught her and took care of her. As an adult I carried her with me, I carried all of her anxieties and struggles on my chest every day. Even times I was so frustrated with her I couldn't speak to her, I still carried her. I dreamt of losing her so often these last couple of years. Now I dream about fighting with her. Is that irony?
There is so much left unsaid. I'm so sad for what is left unsaid.
There was no preparing for the cold, sucking vacuum where Brooke's hope used to be. I had a recurring dream about losing her, before we lost her. The setting is a dark forrest. I had given her a scarf and in some of the dreams I am trying to get it back. I search everywhere, and when I find the scarf I know she is gone. There is always a cold wet howling wind that hits me when I find the scarf, and now that feeling is palpable.
In this storm of grief, I found strength. I found strength in who I am and what I do. I am here to be sensitive, empathetic, and to listen. I am here to curate the tangible and the intangible. I am here to bring meaning and make memories. I am here to be open, discerning and compassionate for others. I am here to be thoughtful and to think.
I am here to be a wife, a daughter, a friend first. Stylist, entrepreneur, creative second.
I am here to love and take care. I wish I figured it out sooner.
Thanks for reading. B